I’ve let myself be in places where I didn’t want to be. I used to think that mean people did mean things to me but really. I allowed it. Out of fear that there is nothing better or that I should solve my unhappiness with acceptance I let myself hurt. I clung the pain in desperation. Better a toxic relationship than being alone, right. I allowed myself to stay with people who tore me apart and left me empty, because I knew nothing better. Not from the outside, nor from the inside. I stayed in situations that didn’t sit with me, that made my heart cry at night. Why is the world so cruel to me?
I allowed it.
It sounds like another wave of self-beating but no, to think this thought feels beautiful.
I allowed it.
The world isn’t out there to hurt me, it will, with all its imperfect humans, with all the humans who are lost and don’t know but pain… it will do things both good and bad. But it is only the warrior in me who can shield my heart from the bad, who can make the decisions that’ll lead me to safety.
It is the belief that I deserve better. It is the belief that there is enough love for everyone and that it is possible for me to experience true love. That people are loving. That people love me.
When you don’t have that, you will hurt. And it will seem like the world is against you, like people hate you and disappoint you at any given opportunity. Neediness overcomes you, because you are not totally lost, totally blind, you know that love exist. But you build a barrier, you cannot seem to accept it properly. Sometimes, you pair love with pain. Or believe that it’s super rare and won’t be able to come across it ever again.
You kind of have to become a guardian of your gate. And be proud of that responsibility. Claim the right to direct your experience on Earth.
Sometimes life is more like cherry picking rather than chasing the glamour. You pick up the good just as you pass it and let go of those cherries which are rotten or not quite as ripe as you’d like them to be. It is about trusting that there is good out there, even if not so much of it or if it’s not there in the moment… it’s about knowing you’d rather have a handful of the sweetest fruits than a basket of bittersweet chaos. You need to learn to throw things away, too, when you notice that you don’t like the taste of what you’ve picked up.
Good and bad things, they will all come to you… but it is your choice what you allow to stay. And a lot of the times, you have to be brave in letting go, for we all believe that something is always better than nothing. But if that something is hurting you, nothing always taster sweeter. The nothing tastes like fresh air, like space for miracles.